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Not Good Enough

Do you ever feel like you're not good enough? ...can’t just be me surely?!

Sometimes feels like it though.

Last May I fell pretty hard during NZ Music Month which happened to coincide with Chris Cornell's anniversary and NZ's covid lockdown - trying too hard to stay balanced on the tightrope of hope & misery.

On one hand I loved listening to all the amazing kiwi songs I have ever wanted to sing since they first fell on my ears, and I dreamed of the cover version I would sing - so created a playlist to that end and sang them over and over while building lego empires with my handful of humans at home.

But then - the whole month came and went, and I had nothing to offer. Still.

Still not ready, even now. And ready for what??? And so I spiral...

And then this year I am still exactly the same. Dammit.

I have 33 freaking singing playlists!!! Seriously.

Lonesome Folk, Crushed Gravel, Dead Sparrows, Beautiful Losers to name a few of my wonderful wasted visions...

All the amazing songs I love that keep being covered by what seems like everyone but me - while yet another year goes by with my voice unused and unheard...and who even cares and why do I?! waa waa waa...

It’s incredibly difficult not to spiral in the face of despair. I fail miserably, although eventually crawl back to some kind of normal.

But even so there’s always that shadow reminding me how far behind the 8 ball I really am. What to do then? Never mind the covers - what of my own words and songs and singing???

That only reminds me of how very little I have done and here we are halfway through another year already.

I don’t really know the answer, if there even is one. But I do know I don’t love the feeling of wondering should I give up. What does that even mean? Give up what exactly? Nothing but a dream.

That is truly depressing in and of itself.

Sometimes I wish I was a bear and could go into hibernation over winter, emerging only when I feel ready - with a body of work to show for it all

Being a tortured artist is not as romantic as you may imagine!

All that to say - if you ever wallow in feeling not good enough and ready to give up and disappear, you're not alone x

(ps. don't give up x)


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